Stop looking for "the one" because you won't find them.

I'm resurfacing this on my blog from a Facebook post I wrote a while back. I read over it the other day and it was a good reminder of the kind of person I want to be, so I figured I'd share it with you.

If there is someone out there for you — "the one" — rest assured you won't find them.

Everybody is a little bit crazy.

There isn't a single person in the world who will drive you a little bit crazy, and there isn't a single person in the world who won't be driven a little bit crazy by you if you decide to live together and try to make it work.

We can spend our time looking for this person, only to be repeatedly disappointed by the fact that being in relationship means evolving together, needing to sacrifice and compromise parts of your crazy to meet the needs of the other, needing to keep each other informed about what drives you crazy, and needing to graciously accept that we are driving the other person a little crazy.

We can continue to be disappointed by trying to find a new partner only to eventually realize (or perhaps never realize) that problems of relationships are fundamental to humans sharing a life together.

The issue is not the partners.

The issue is our expectation of what building a lifelong relationship with another person entails.

I finally internalized that relationship is defined by the act of contributing to the partnership and requires no questioning of its validity for growth.

So now the questions I ask myself have shifted from:

• Is my partner the right person?
• Are we compatible?
• Will I be able to live the rest of my life with this person?

to inquiries like:

• How am I being a contribution to our partnership today? How can I be a contribution tomorrow?
• What have I done in the past that has driven my partner a little crazy, and what lead me to do those things?
• How can I better my attitude about moments of growth in our relationship? How can I inform my partner of their craziness more graciously?
• What do we both want out of the relationship? How can I help enable those things?

Don't get me wrong, I think inquiries assessing the validity of a relationship are important if you are looking for that validation, and there are many situations where this is appropriate.

But no one needs that validation to decide that they want to contribute to a relationship. The act of contribution can be selflessly given away at no cost.

What kind of partner are you being if your operating premise is that you will only contribute if you believe that the partnership qualifies as a worthwhile venture?

Relationships become worthwhile because you contribute to them. Not the other way around.

This realization has taken a very long time to mold into shape, but it has slowly become the rock foundation of the decision making process in my marriage.

Adopting this framework of thought has lifted the pressures of needing to feel that the relationship is whole, and instead has actually helped me feel whole, knowing that I am doing something to better the relationship.

I hope you do the same.

The world would be better with strong secure partnerships between people.